I Want New Sports
Professional sports these days are no good. I don't say this because I didn't get drafted by the Bears. I say this out of deep conviction. Back in the old days, sports involved things like getting eaten by lions. In the old days, sports involved things like getting torn to shreds by Mike Ditka. In the old days, sports involved things like dying a horrible death upon sight of Mike Ditka's mustache. In the old days, you had to climb a ladder to get the basketball out of the basket. Sports these days are for weenies. The basketball just swishes through this little net and comes right back to you. Pathetic. Mike Ditka is doing GLAD garbage bag ads. Pitiful. Mike Ditka's mustache is playing a guitar outside your local coffeeshop for your spare change. Ridiculous. Lions don't even eat anymore. Lions fans barely eat anymore. Unimpressive at best. I propose sweeping changes to the sports industry.
Do away with the Toronto Raptors and replace them with actual velociraptors. They will likely win more games and hopefully eat that pesky Ron Artest. We saw them learning how to open doors in Jurassic Park, playing basketball can't be that much more difficult. In fact, as long as we're replacing the Raptors, let's do that with all the vicious animal named teams in the NBA. We'll have Grizzlies, Hornets, Bulls, Timberwolves, and Celtics. And does anybody know what Pacers are? Are they ferocious? Whatever. Just replace them with mongeese and wild ferrets. Good, basketball is revitalized.
Football is next. American football, that is. We'll get to futbol in a minute. I'm going to toss Canadian Football straight out the window. Most US college teams could beat a Canadian Football team. When the Wake Forest Demon Deacons are better than the national champions, you should quit. Now, football would be easy to fix. Replace those big white sidelines with lava. If you step out of bounds, the clock may stop, but you burst into flames and your charred skeleton melts into the moat of liquid igneous rock. Only one more addition. Football has several officials. Replace them with ninjas, nature's deadly assassins. Defensive Pass Interference in the endzone? A quick swipe of the katana and the ninjas are serving up your severed head to Mike Ditka. You want to challenge the call on a play? Forget it. The only thing those little red hankies the coaches carry are good for now is to wipe the blood off their faces.
Hockey... well, you've already got battle-tested 40 year old bruisers out there playing with no teeth. Most games have a glove-dropping brawl. I think we're ok here. Just change the name of the Columbus Blue Jackets or make them wear cerulean wind breakers or something. I just want it to make a little bit of sense.
Baseball is idiotic. The nonsense about steroids is stupid. Just replace the chewing tobacco with arsenic and let's move on.
There are more sports to discuss, but we're running out of time. I read an informative paper once that outlined the difference between sports and non-sports. You may rest assured that poker is not, in fact, a sport.
I end with this, the description of the only surviving sport that is not for wusses and losers. Soccer, or futbol as it is known in most parts of the world still retains much of what made sports excellent in the good old days. I accept that many players today fake injuries and dive to the grass to draw penalties, but these facts cannot mar the king of sports. Truly, any sport in which a player may be executed by a rioting mob for missing a penalty shot is worthy of note. They don't even offer them a blindfold or a cigarette first. And you must realize that 98.7% of the world smokes, so that's a big deal. (Also, roughly 67.23% of the world wears blindfolds, but that is an unverified statistic, so I mention it only in passing.)
Well, that's all. Feel free to implement any and all of my ideas regarding professional sport. You don't even need to credit me. I'd just be happy to watch some good ol' fashioned football, Mike Ditka and all.
Seriously, though. I love sports, and I hate when people die. It makes me all weepy.
Do away with the Toronto Raptors and replace them with actual velociraptors. They will likely win more games and hopefully eat that pesky Ron Artest. We saw them learning how to open doors in Jurassic Park, playing basketball can't be that much more difficult. In fact, as long as we're replacing the Raptors, let's do that with all the vicious animal named teams in the NBA. We'll have Grizzlies, Hornets, Bulls, Timberwolves, and Celtics. And does anybody know what Pacers are? Are they ferocious? Whatever. Just replace them with mongeese and wild ferrets. Good, basketball is revitalized.
Football is next. American football, that is. We'll get to futbol in a minute. I'm going to toss Canadian Football straight out the window. Most US college teams could beat a Canadian Football team. When the Wake Forest Demon Deacons are better than the national champions, you should quit. Now, football would be easy to fix. Replace those big white sidelines with lava. If you step out of bounds, the clock may stop, but you burst into flames and your charred skeleton melts into the moat of liquid igneous rock. Only one more addition. Football has several officials. Replace them with ninjas, nature's deadly assassins. Defensive Pass Interference in the endzone? A quick swipe of the katana and the ninjas are serving up your severed head to Mike Ditka. You want to challenge the call on a play? Forget it. The only thing those little red hankies the coaches carry are good for now is to wipe the blood off their faces.
Hockey... well, you've already got battle-tested 40 year old bruisers out there playing with no teeth. Most games have a glove-dropping brawl. I think we're ok here. Just change the name of the Columbus Blue Jackets or make them wear cerulean wind breakers or something. I just want it to make a little bit of sense.
Baseball is idiotic. The nonsense about steroids is stupid. Just replace the chewing tobacco with arsenic and let's move on.
There are more sports to discuss, but we're running out of time. I read an informative paper once that outlined the difference between sports and non-sports. You may rest assured that poker is not, in fact, a sport.
I end with this, the description of the only surviving sport that is not for wusses and losers. Soccer, or futbol as it is known in most parts of the world still retains much of what made sports excellent in the good old days. I accept that many players today fake injuries and dive to the grass to draw penalties, but these facts cannot mar the king of sports. Truly, any sport in which a player may be executed by a rioting mob for missing a penalty shot is worthy of note. They don't even offer them a blindfold or a cigarette first. And you must realize that 98.7% of the world smokes, so that's a big deal. (Also, roughly 67.23% of the world wears blindfolds, but that is an unverified statistic, so I mention it only in passing.)
Well, that's all. Feel free to implement any and all of my ideas regarding professional sport. You don't even need to credit me. I'd just be happy to watch some good ol' fashioned football, Mike Ditka and all.
Seriously, though. I love sports, and I hate when people die. It makes me all weepy.
posted by Sam at 5:00 PM
4 Comments:
hmmm... I don't recall seeing anything concerning volleyball in your little thing on sports. It's a shame to leave out such a premium sport -- i mean think about it, it's inside and there's smashing involved. nope, there's nothing better.
It's true. I did not mention volleyball. Perhaps I can take a moment to discuss the sport right now. I'm of a mind that when you spike the ball, spikes should come out of the ball. It would add a touch of irony to the name of the move. Standing up in the way of a spiked ball would become truly gutsy and heroic. also, get rid of those pinty knee-pads. Make diving around the court worth all of our time. That's all I have to say about that.
Are we even certain that volleyball is a sport? Is it a game? Perhaps we should consult the tome?
Also, while I agree with the idea of velociraptors playing professional sports I would imagine 3-pointers might be difficult with those sharp claws.
Nail clippers would be a necessity. Or perhaps make the basketball out of lead.
I considered a lead ball policy but ended up dumping it because I believe it will lend an unfair advantage to larger animals. Imagine for a moment a hornet trying to dribble a lead basketball.
Post a Comment
<< Home