On the sound of a dead yak
I have a beef with my upstaris neighbour. Not, as you might think, I had beef with my upstairs neighbour, sharing a nice pot roast with some potatos or something pleasant like that. No. I have a problem, an issue, a sore spot with my neighbour who lives above me.
The problem is that he is the loudest old man in the history of time. We have an old man named Bob who lives next to us. He is very nice and quiet. The only way I really know that he is alive is that I occasionally see him walking to his car to go lawn bowling. Upstairs neighbour lets me know that he is alive every 10 minutes or so by dropping a lare heavy and noisy bject on the floor.
Today is a Saturday. I had hoped to sleep in just a bit on this fine, slightly snowy Saturday morning, but that dream ended unfulfilled at the slightly ungodly hour of 6am when upstairs neighbour nd presumably someone else, though it may have been several someones stomped about and dragged a large piece of furniture that sounded quite distinctly like a refrigerator. Here is a list of sounds I am 100% positive that I heard this morningbetween 6am and 10am when I write this.
1. Stomping (frequent)
2. Running (slightly less frequent)
3. Moving of large furniture
4. Playing of music
5. The scrabbling of dog claws as it ran back and forth across the apartment (an indoor game of fetch?)
6. Singing
7. Loud raucous laughter
8. A shower
9. Cupboard doors slamming (repeatedly)
10. Pots and pans smashing against one another
11. Plumbing work
Here are sounds I am almost positive I heard this morning:
1. A 96 piece orchestra rehearsing an opera
2. A bar fight, complete with combatant thrown through a plate glass window
3. Renovation construction
4. The murder of one Franky the Fish (apparently a snitch in the organization)
5. Killing, dragging about, and gruesome butchering of an entirely large yak... perhaps a water buffalo
6. Beach volleyball
7. The American Civil War
8. KISS, live and in concert
9. A liposuction
10. A nuclear warhead being detonated
11. An elephant giving birth... to quintuplets
This is to say nothing, of course, of the much more ... personal ... noises I heard coming from upstairs earlier this week. Alright, wrapping all this up, really I would just like a little bit of .... WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU HAMMERING? WHAT ARE YOU HAMMERING? SHUT UP! STOP IT! ARRRGH!
The problem is that he is the loudest old man in the history of time. We have an old man named Bob who lives next to us. He is very nice and quiet. The only way I really know that he is alive is that I occasionally see him walking to his car to go lawn bowling. Upstairs neighbour lets me know that he is alive every 10 minutes or so by dropping a lare heavy and noisy bject on the floor.
Today is a Saturday. I had hoped to sleep in just a bit on this fine, slightly snowy Saturday morning, but that dream ended unfulfilled at the slightly ungodly hour of 6am when upstairs neighbour nd presumably someone else, though it may have been several someones stomped about and dragged a large piece of furniture that sounded quite distinctly like a refrigerator. Here is a list of sounds I am 100% positive that I heard this morningbetween 6am and 10am when I write this.
1. Stomping (frequent)
2. Running (slightly less frequent)
3. Moving of large furniture
4. Playing of music
5. The scrabbling of dog claws as it ran back and forth across the apartment (an indoor game of fetch?)
6. Singing
7. Loud raucous laughter
8. A shower
9. Cupboard doors slamming (repeatedly)
10. Pots and pans smashing against one another
11. Plumbing work
Here are sounds I am almost positive I heard this morning:
1. A 96 piece orchestra rehearsing an opera
2. A bar fight, complete with combatant thrown through a plate glass window
3. Renovation construction
4. The murder of one Franky the Fish (apparently a snitch in the organization)
5. Killing, dragging about, and gruesome butchering of an entirely large yak... perhaps a water buffalo
6. Beach volleyball
7. The American Civil War
8. KISS, live and in concert
9. A liposuction
10. A nuclear warhead being detonated
11. An elephant giving birth... to quintuplets
This is to say nothing, of course, of the much more ... personal ... noises I heard coming from upstairs earlier this week. Alright, wrapping all this up, really I would just like a little bit of .... WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU HAMMERING? WHAT ARE YOU HAMMERING? SHUT UP! STOP IT! ARRRGH!
posted by Sam at 10:17 AM
1 Comments:
Upstairs neighbours tend to be the worst kind there are. Mine were fond of the Korean karaoke nights, and also the, um, personal noises. And also the stomping.
I think you have me beat with the elephant quints, though. You should take one in, raise it, and then slaughter it for its precious precious tusks. Homegrown ivory!
(who else?)
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